Pain...... So much pain. Day and night I fight the same demons trying to take me with them. I get surrounded by darkness and the only thing I can do is call out to God for help; for mercy....for some of His Grace.Now, I don't believe this cancer journey is some kind of curse or punishment; God does not punish His children. I believe this trying time is to change me and make me the person God wants me to be. Maybe I needed to work on my patience, it's definitely being tested. Maybe I needed to be more loving, I was never the affectionate kind. Maybe God is setting up a new life for me; In a new place, where I can appreciate and see life through different lenses. Where I can value my husband, my family, my fur/feather babies, my (yet) non existing human babies to the fullest.Positivity. It might seem as though I am full of it, but the reality is that it's taken my husband and family so long to get me to think this way. I wanted out, I didn't want to fight a disease where all odds are against me. Cancer stage 4, spreading everywhere. Doctor says I have no chance of being cured, and I should prepare for the worst. Here's what I have to say about that....2 Corinthians 4:8"We often suffer, but we are never crushed. Even when we don't know what do, we never give up. In times of trouble, God is with us, and when we are knocked down, we get up again."All I know, is that God is watching over me and He is much more powerful than any petty disease. The doctors have their limit and have done what they can, God will do what they cannot; the impossible. He has opened doors where I saw no way out, and I know he has control of this entire situation. Cancer changes us, it affects the surrounding family members as well. But it's up to us to decide what that change will mean in our lives; And who we will become as a result.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
I don't even know where to start... well i'm still alive; so lets start there. I have an entire new set of doctors and care takers. After having many issues with my previous doctors, I knew that ultimately my life was in my own hands and it was up to me to take control and look for real help. I am now being treated at City Of Hope, and half way through my chemo rounds.
The last couple of months have been quite miserable with all chemo side effects. Oh yes, and hair is gone again. My left arm and hand are completely dead, so frustrating! And I have been bed ridden for more than a month. I've had ZERO energy, and its been 24/7 excruciating pain.
However, I feel so blessed to have the best support system through it all. Although I may be weak, bald and typing with one hand. I have the drive to fight this stubborn disease again, and this time it will be the end of it!!
Saturday, June 4, 2016
You heard right, screw CANCER! After my recent doctors appointment, I found that it has spread to my breast (again), chest, neck, collar bone, and axilla. But here's what's going to happen, I'm going to be happy and keep living my life as if nothing is wrong. I'm not going to give cancer the satisfaction of knowing it has brought me down or caused me to be depressed. This time around will be different, this time I'm fearless.
The Lord will keep you safe from secret traps and deadly diseases. He will spread His wings over you and keep you secure.
I will, however, share my treatment plan; In case anyone is going through the same thing. I have started a chemo pill called Xeloda, and will receive IV chemo soon. As far as I know, I might also need surgery and/or radiation; but it depends. I will keep a record of all side effects and such as they come.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
It was PET Scan day! The only reason I looked forward to this scan is because I'm getting closer to knowing what the treatment plan will be. There's nothing worse than not knowing what the future looks like, especially when dealing with cancer.
The entire biopsy results came in, apparently it is not a cancer recurrence. The receptors are negative this time, which means there's a possibility I can just do a pill treatment; fingers crossed! However, this means all the testing I did last year, MRI included, never picked up the different cancer. It's difficult to believe how these huge expensive machines, and intense treatments can miss cancer cells. But there's no point in dwelling on the "Why".
I'm choosing to see the bright side in all of this, and one of the people that always makes me feel better is my husband. Coming home after a long day of painful finger pricks and injections, and seeing his notes on our white board melts my heart. That alone motivates me to fight for my life, harder than ever before.
Now we wait, until next week...
Friday, May 27, 2016
It's been months since my last post and a lot has happened. I've tried time and time again to write, and failed each attempt. I fell under depression, and was really confused as to how I was supposed to live after Cancer. I was miserable at work, and thought a lot about a career change. I was also in a lot of physical pain, getting worse and worse as the weeks passed by. Something I kept asking myself was, where does the paranoia end and the cancer begin? I reached out to my doctor and was told I shouldn't worry, three months later she was wrong.
I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time on Wednesday May 25, 2016. I'm as distraught as the first time, but I'm mostly angry. Angry at the the fact that doctors don't listen to me or take my worries seriously. I'm angry at how careless they are, even though our lives are in their hands; and they know this. But I refuse to let cancer take me, I'm prepared to fight this stubborn disease again. I will face it without fears, as God is more powerful than anything in this world and He is by my side.
With that being said, I will document every step of treatment on this blog. If someone reading this is going through the same thing, I want you to know you're not alone. My only hope is to be able to give others strength to keep fighting...we will beat this, we will win.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
On a rough day, when I feel incompetent in my career, I like to look back at my passion; design. Featherette was the name of my graduate fashion collection in 2012. I had never worked so hard in my school life as I did on this collection. I remember staying in the CSUN sewing lab all night until morning, taking a nap in my car and going back for my 7:00 am class. Showers?! Who needs them?? Despite lack of sleep, I was the happiest back then. I knew I wanted to be a Fashion Designer, my goal was to have my own fashion label. I was determined to do whatever it took to reach my dream.
Fast forward to today..... And you would be disappointed. I've been working hard to climb up the fashion buyer ladder the last couple of years. I haven't made it very far up, cancer had a little to do with it. But even then, the passion and motivation I used to have isn't there anymore. My sewing machines have been collecting dust for years now, and my dress form currently holds my Halloween costume.....in February.
I think it's time to light the fire I used to have and prove all of my doubts wrong.
With that being said, "Challenge Accepted"
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Today I'm taking it back to June 2015, to one of my first big adventures after chemo. I remember being super excited after the last of my chemo left my body, and all the symptoms began to go away. I could finally go out without getting tired, my allergies went away; I felt normal. This trip to Calico was definitely a milestone for me, it was the first time I was out in public without a head scarf. At this point my hair was starting to grow back, but I still felt real insecure......to be honest, I still do. I didn't intentionally take my scarf off, I was forced to. The day was soooo hot! We were in Calico where it was over 100 degrees plus humidity. I had never sweat the way I did that day, it was disgusting.
At first I refused to take it off, but I got to a point where I didn't care what people thought. I'm proud of being a cancer survivor. Once it was off, I felt liberated and chains were broken. I also felt a lot cooler from the heat! I think it's important to remind myself that being "normal" is different for each individual person. My definition of normal that day, was being able to enjoy my day without feeling sick regardless of what I looked like. As my hair continues to grow and my cancer journey stays in the past, I will always look back to pictures. I will make sure to never forget.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
All of my cancer treatments have finally come to an end and I'm doing my HAPPY DANCE!! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally start living again. Now the big question was whether I was moving forward with Tamoxifen or not. My instant response was "Heck No!!". After months and months of delegating, I gave in and I'm 2 and a half weeks into taking the pill. The written side effects are really horrible, but if this means I get to continue to live a cancer free life, I will take it like a champ! So far it hasn't been too bad, just mild headaches, hot flashes and nausea. I'm really hoping it doesn't get much worse than this, because I can handle this!
I remind myself every night I take the pill, "This pill is going to keep me cancer free". I try to be as optimistic as possible taking it, and that is the only way I can do it.
New Year, New life and I'm so happy to be alive!!